We want to share with you some tips that we have picked up along the way about bringing up children. Our claim to speak out of some experience is based on the following:

• We were children once!
• Merle trained as a nurse and midwife
  
• We are parents to six children
  
• For forty years we have worked with families and have watched the children in those families from babyhood to parenthood. We are now passing on the same advice we gave to their parents!
  
• What we teach works. A midwife recently told a young mother in a group to keep her voice down when the mother told her that her babies were soon sleeping through the night.
  

We will convey this material by using the alphabet, so over time we hope we will be clever enough to have an item under each letter. Don’t forget that as these pages grow you can use the search facility to track down a subject you are interested in. So here is the:

Just for a change, we won’t start at the beginning:

B

Breast Feeding

Breast feeding is the natural way of feeding a baby. Mothers provide milk which is the right formula and the right temperature. It costs nothing, is easily digestible and is instantly ready with no preparation. A nursing bra and a loose-fitting top remove embarrassment all round when feeds are due in public places.

Bottles, teats, formula, sterilizing equipment and a breast pump are optional extras. To know that they are there as a precaution is a relief for an anxious mum concerned that she will not have enough milk. Some Dads are thrilled when they realise that they too can be part of their baby’s feeding time. Baby might take a bit of persuasion that a bottle of expressed breast milk can be as satisfying as mum’s breast, it is well worth the bonding that it achieves with dad.

Mum will be pleased to know that breast feeding helps mum regain her figure quicker. A balanced diet, good fluid intake, rest and moderate exercise keep mums fit - and a fit mum will be able to breast feed until baby is ready for weaning or until little teeth become too sharp.

Mums do get hungry while breast feeding. If you want your figure back avoid snacking – however tempting those goodies look. Water and milk are good drinks, alcohol is not, and tea and coffee only in moderation. A walk, pushing baby’s pram, is a simple but good routine every day – fresh air for mum and baby, and exercise for mum.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help – from family, friends or neighbours. It is not failure. Getting help takes the pressure off and gives you the opportunity to get on top again. The demands of the baby and the rest of the family may well clash and you only have one pair of hands - so another pair of hands will benefit everyone. This can especially benefit other siblings by freeing up time for you to do things with them. They may well be feeling neglected because of the intrusion of baby into their family.

There are many forms that help from others can take, including provision of a hot meal for the first week or so, housework, shopping, ironing, transport, invitation for a cup of tea, or a walk that would provide a change of scenery.

A crinkly cabbage is a worthwhile buy! Take a few leaves, wash and dry them well and wrap them round an engorged breast. When you remove them at the next feed the leaves will be cooked and the breast will be cool and soft.

 C

Creating good memories

A few weeks ago we awoke one Saturday morning to a cloudless blue sky and warm sunshine. Within the hour we had driven to the coast for our favourite past time - an early morning walk on the promenade at Southwold. The sea was so calm and the sun so warm that we regretted we had not invited our son and his family to join us. We could just make out a young mother some way up the beach running with a little boy towards the water’s edge. As we walked towards them, a beach umbrella, baby buggy and daddy building sandcastles with a toddler and little girl came clearly into our view. There, enjoying this lovely sunny morning, were our son and his family. As we drew alongside we found that they too had wished that they had invited us to join them. Excited children told us of their picnic breakfast on the beach and what type of castle daddy was going to help them build - and of mummy taking them into the sea. As we were going to have a cup of tea and a walk first we promised to buy them an ice-cream before going home.

A young couple strolled past us we sat on the bench seats outside the Flippers beach café enjoying our cup of tea. ‘What madness!’ the lady laughed as she saw the young family on the beach so early in the morning. I could see that she was quite taken up with what was going on. They lingered for a while, arms wrapped around each, and then moved on. I chuckled to myself as they did so and hoped that when, or if, they had their own family they would remember the scene they had so enjoyed watching and would do fun things with their children.

As we sat we reminisced about the fun things that we had done with our children. Many of those things became part of the family tradition. Christmas Eve was one of them. The children, cousins and friends were taken to Southwold to play tag among the beach huts – a very good sleep inducer for excited children. Packed picnic teas and biking to spot combines was a favourite summer excursion. Fishing was one of our son’s hobbies. Seeing the look of incredulity on his face every time his dad met him from school with ‘hurry up, conditions are just right for catching cod’. It was freezing for his dad while he savoured every minute of it. The spoils from the hours spent fishing were not that good either. I had an amazing armchair education with various family members, watching all sorts of programmes, some of which improved my general knowledge, awareness of the planet earth, history of the English and Continental monarchies, ability to solve mysteries and understand political, social and economic issues.

When the children do their ‘Do you remember when ……’ and we end up laughing or sometimes shedding a few tears together I realise the importance of the things that happened to them, as well as their family, friends and teachers, as they grew up. I am so glad that they have had childhoods of predominantly happy memories. We have enjoyed being family and have handled the difficult and sad times by pulling together and supporting each other. For so many families this will not have been possible. As we talked we concluded that it is so important to create, insofar as it is within our power, good memories for our children to draw on in their adult years. Looking at my son and his young family doing the things which he had enjoyed when he was a child and seeing their happiness together was really good.

I

Identity - have you lost yours?

“She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”

Proverbs 31: 27-29

Today I lost my identity. I shouldn’t have, I had many roles: cook, cleaner, taxi driver, counsellor, secretary, seamstress, entertainment organiser, to name but a few, except it still left me with a sense of unrecognisable identity and wondering ‘who am I’? When I went out to work and had a career I was a ‘somebody’. When people asked me what I did I could happily and eagerly reply with my job title. I had an identity, a recognised ‘job’ and ‘career’ with good promotional prospects. I could talk about my job to those working in the same area and share a sense of ‘comradeship.’ Now, if I’m honest, there are days when I feel isolated, when I feel unappreciated, despite my many roles, and when each day can feel like a tedious round of unrewarding ‘sameness’.

Today I tidied the house so that every-one can find what they are looking for. Today I cleaned and hoovered to ensure, at least, that our house is hygienically clean. Today I washed and ironed clothes so that my husband and children look respectable when they go to work and school. Today I cooked tea so that my husband and children were well fed and nourished when they came in from work and school. Today I listened gently to my older daughter recount tearfully her ‘bad’ day at school and offered advice. Today I helped my son do his home-work. Today I planned my youngest daughter’s birthday party. Today I acted as arbitrator in sibling arguments. Today I played ‘shops’ and I was the store-keeper. Today I read a bed-time story. Today I was a mother!

Motherhood can seem like an endless round of unrecognised roles and unappreciated tasks at times. It is taken for granted that, ‘mum will do it’ and ‘mum will be there.’ Sometimes I envy my husband his freedom. His ability to walk out the door without a further thought about the day to day running of his house-hold, his mind already switched on to his day ahead at work. His ability to check the calendar (just to ensure he isn’t doing anything) and say yes to a day at a show or a weekend away (all to do with work of course). For me planning a shopping trip with a friend is a major operation. Will it interfere with what the children or my husband are doing? Will I be back in time to pick the children up from school? Do I need to organise someone else to pick them up and care for them until I get back? What shall I do for tea that is easy to put together when I get in? Sometimes I feel it’s not worth the effort. And then an opportunity arises for that ominous and dangerous personage of resentment as he prowls about outside, waiting for me to open the door and let him in.

That is when I make myself a good old cup of tea and take a break from house-hold chores to reflect on the fact that if I didn’t do what I did then the house, and the running of it, would just disintegrate into chaos. When I remember the time I wasn’t able to be at home because of a family emergency and the relief on all the faces as I walked in the door. When I remember my husband telling me quite seriously that ‘he wouldn’t be able to do what he did’ if ‘I didn’t do what I did’. When I remember the massive hug my youngest daughter gives me when I pick her up from school and how often she says, “I’m glad you’ve come to pick me up mum.” When my two teenage daughters shared (on one of those rare occasions) how much they appreciated me being there when they got in from school. That is when I realise that, my present identity as a ‘mum’ albeit by far the most challenging, is yet the most rewarding and although unspoken most of the time, there is in fact a deep appreciation of mum in our house.

P

Pressure to Conform

At the beginning of one of our ‘Bringing up Children’ courses some years ago, we asked the young couples present if they had asked the important question when junior arrived on the scene, ‘Who is this child?’ - the equivalent of the more personal question, ‘Who am I?’ They acknowledged that the thought had not occurred to them. If we don’t know who our child is how can we embark on a 20- year long process of shaping this young life into what he is meant to be? More importantly, by default we will impose who we are on our child. This creates a pressure to conform that distorts who the child really is and produces inner tensions and pressures as well as potential conflicts in the family.

It is all too easy to try and live out our dreams through our children. Sometimes that is nothing more than an attempt to compensate for what we didn’t achieve. At other times we can put ourselves and our child under pressure by having the ideal picture of what we want them to be – or not be. Our children are going to be different to us and each one is an individual in his or her own right. There is a difference between giving a child the opportunity we didn’t have as opposed to insisting that they take an educational or career path which doesn’t fit in with their own aspirations.

Witness the antics of some parents on the football touchline. "It's madness out there," says one youth league official in the North-west. "We have parents fighting with each other and punching referees and linesmen. Coaches get involved, too. Sometimes it's the mothers who start the fights - and they can be worse than the men. It's ruining the game and it's terrible that this is happening in front of the children." As one disillusioned youth coach in Surrey put it: "The game kicks off and then the parents kick off." What an opportunity to teach children that the sub is as important as the player who scored the winning goal – it is the team that counts. All sport is a chance to teach the ability to handle disappointment – and sometimes injustice. Give encouragement, reward effort, don’t pump your own child’s ego and devalue another child in the process. Avoid unnecessary comparisons.

The pressure to achieve takes many forms! Parents evenings, concerts and graduations can fill us with pride or frustration and what we convey in conversations with other parents, family members or faculty members is important. One child’s success might accentuate another’s sense of inadequacy or failure. It is better to discuss failure to achieve potential sensibly in private than berate publically. It can be helpful to remember our own struggles and failures when we were their age!

Celebrate success but remember that there is a difference between enjoying success and gloating about it. There is no need for the jealousy of envious friends or siblings to spoil the occasion! Challenge bad attitudes and encourage good supportive attitudes. There are always winners and losers, those who get firsts and those who scrape through by the skin of their teeth. We are not to be judged by what we achieve, rather by who we are in our hearts.

Too much pressure can produce symptoms of stress – loss of appetite, disturbed sleep, headaches, stomach cramps, upset tummies, extreme irritability or anxiety and, in some cases, truancy. It is better to act quickly than to ignore the signs. Walk and talk – find out if extra tuition is needed, a better study programme drawn up, unnecessary commitments put on hold for a while and recreation time be given its proper place so that the child returns to study feeling fresher. Communicate with the staff, and encourage the child to do so, as part of the process of helping him to discover his strengths and weaknesses.

Whatever we do, and however we do it, our task is to ensure that we serve our children’s best interests by discovering who they are and then helping them to live in the fullness of all that God planned for them.

S

Soft Touch

Have you noticed how children seem to work out which parent will give the answer they are looking for when they ask for something they want to do, or really ‘need to have?’ Going to the ‘right parent’ can produce baffling consequences out of all proportion to the seeming innocence of the original request. Unfortunately, everyone other than the perpetrator, who becomes involved in standing up for, or against, the person who gives the answer, is either left gleeful or in pained silence. What chaos as the consequences of the decision becomes evident! This can lead to ‘I told you this would happen’ or ‘see I told you I was right’ - attitudes which in turn take their toll as another situation develops and requires its own sensitive handling.

One parent says, ‘no you don’t need any help’ only to find the other parent totally involved with, not only helping, but doing the task in question. The other parent, who may have had the better insight, feels totally undermined and devalued – and the child has missed out on the opportunity to learn a valuable lesson.

Most young parents have great ideals when they start their families. Very quickly they realise that their new arrival has a mind and will of his own - which can be ear-splitting and disruptive of the household’s routines. As children grow older so their demands become more costly, time consuming and sophisticated. This is quite normal and all part of a process which, if rightly handled, enables a child to grow into an independent, mature adult.

We spent many hours deliberating trying to find solutions to some of the situations which our children faced us with. One of the most successful was to establish a united front. When one parent does not give the desired answer and is threatened with, ‘I’ll go and ask Dad (or Mum) then. They will let me’ – what do you do? Why not say, ‘let me know what they say and if it is different perhaps we should discuss it together.’ Children know which buttons to press in either parent in for different requests! They will soon exploit any perceived weaknesses.

It is best to avoid, ‘Wait until I tell your Dad (or Mum).’ If we do this the child knows that one parent needs the other to enforce the standard. This can create the fear of one parent and the exploitation of the other. A possible way round could be, ’We have talked this over together and told you what we expect so if you don’t listen now then we will sit down together and remind you of what we agreed. I think that is fair, don’t you?’

Children feel that ‘united fronts’, just like rules, are made to be broken. Clever young people test our love to the ‘nth degree. It doesn’t matter if they find ways to try and breach the united front so long as both parents move to quickly restore it. After all, united fronts produce secure children.

Subtle Wedges

‘We can go home.’ At long last my son, his wife and their week-old son were going home. Never mind that it was 10 minutes to midnight and it was a 40-minute drive home. A text at 2am: ‘He has been crying since we got home - what is wrong?’ ‘No, we’ve tried feeding him - he doesn’t seem to have wind. Wait a minute, there are lots of funny noises in his tummy.’ Lots of reassurance given ending with, ‘maybe he has decided to wake up. Why don’t you change him in case he is dirty and put him in his cot so that you can both get ready for bed.’ A text message back - ‘There was yellow pooh everywhere. Now he’s gone to sleep. We’re going to bed. Thanks.’

What dad, and especially mum, had most looked forward to was going home and, above all else, getting some well-earned and uninterrupted sleep. Those days were now history and were to be replaced with constant considerations of ‘do you think this will work?’ or ‘how long should we stay with him?’ or ’what should I do?’ - all geared round the demands of their son who at this stage needed feeds, nappy changes and sleeps. His crying times caused much debate, mostly to find a remedy to establish some relief for their anxiety and quiet for themselves and their neighbours. He is a beautiful baby and we have assured them that they are doing really well, he will be fine and it doesn’t matter if they make mistakes and misread the situation.

A baby has the greatest potential to drive a wedge between his dad and mum. There can be no greater sense of well-being than a baby at the breast being caressed and spoken to, or sung to, in such lovingly quiet undertones than those of a doting mother. All too quickly mum becomes baby’s, and only baby’s, property. Dad comes in from work and all the questions are focused on baby and naturally mum has much to say because her day has been filled with baby. Aren’t babies clever! So clever that they can introduce the ‘I want only mummy syndrome’ and daddy is side-lined. Dad, however, must rise to his baby’s challenge, ‘what are you going to do about it?’ It is too late a few years down the road when dad realises that mum carries more authority than him and he has little or no say in family matters.

When one of our sons was four he gave us a classic example of his emotional ties with mum when dad put his hand on mum’s knee. He leaned across, lifted his dad’s hand and put it back on dad’s knee. His dad leaned across and very kindly said ‘I know mummy belongs to you but she belongs to me too.’

Our eldest daughter enjoyed every waking minute of her mummy’s attention. Walking and talking were wonderful achievements and stories and picture books were her favourite pastimes. Stacking bricks and rings, learning colours, mastering early learning puzzles and counting the stairs were great fun and there was lots of time for mummy to help her. Her brother arrived 15 months later and she and I had to weather quite an emotional storm. Her brother was a gentle, contented baby who thankfully made few demands on us. This helped us show our very alert and active toddler that no one could ever take her place and there were still lots of time to do things with her. Toddlers seem to know which buttons to press for attention. Her brother’s feed time was her signal to ask for the potty. The potty never had anything deposited in it and much patience was required by mummy and an extremely tolerant brother as he coped with interrupted feed times until it was established that the potty was to be used properly before baby was picked up for a feed. No mum wants to be responsible for an accident if they can help it. The ‘I want’ and ‘you can’t have’ was by far the most time consuming battle to overcome with our first baby.

I can still picture her dressed in pretty salmon pink dress with lovely dark bobbed hair sitting in her brother’s carry cot, her arms folded, head bowed, large eyes peering up underneath her fringe and her lips pursed in a sulky pout. If she could have expressed what she was feeling I am sure it would have been something like this – ‘It’s not fair. It’s my carry cot not his. Why have you let him have it?’ I think that it would have been a perfectly fair assessment. Painful as it was for her to grasp she was told, ’some things belong to daddy and mummy and we have let you use it. You can sit in it now but you are too big to sleep in it - that is why you have a lovely cot.’ As time went on so the sharing of her books and toys came into it too. The reasoning took time until she understood the value of not growing up as we all can be by nature - quite selfish.

It is all too easy to allow wedges to drive our close family ties apart. The first small tap to start the split may go unnoticed but soon the wedge goes deep enough to split the tie completely. A crack can be mended much more easily than a break. If we can recognise the sometimes early subtlety of the wedge it is more likely that we can avoid a painful situation developing that has the potential to lead to a horrendous breakup of a love that was believed to be unconditional and so strong that it would never fail.

T

Tantrums

Screams, shouting abuse, kicking and punching, anywhere at any time – a mother’s nightmare. Just so we know what we are talking about here, the dictionary definition is – ‘an outburst of bad temper or petulance, especially in a child.’ Don’t live in the false hope that these tantrums will go away on their own – they will only become more sophisticated and more damaging. Some of us have witnessed the catastrophic effects of adult tantrums. Someone will have to do something about it and the sooner the better.

A demoralised mother may well retreat behind closed doors - no visitors or visiting. Siblings live in fear of an outburst, treading warily around the danger area, hoping that little brother - or sister - won’t plunge into an outburst. Somehow we have to communicate that tantrums are unacceptable.

So, where do we start? Firstly, what triggers the tantrum? It can be anything from being asked to do something he doesn’t want to do, through to a genuinely frightening situation. It may be an inner frustration that boils over, an unresolved emotion arising from a playground situation – or just plain bad temper.

Clearly, there is a prerequisite on the part of the parents to provide an environment in which the child is able to verbally share fears and frustrations – but even when this is the case the child may not always choose this option – preferring to vent his feelings physically.

So what do we do when we have done all we can to make this child secure and happy – yet he still throws himself on the floor and screams? There is a fine line between not making a special case of this child – and avoiding unnecessary confrontation. The key here is that he has to learn that, not only are there consequences to his behaviour, but that he will gain absolutely nothing from that behaviour.

We are in the department store, in an especially quiet section, and junior decides to kick off. Heads turn – and suddenly we realise we have become the centre of attention. Some folks sidle pass and tut. Others look over their shoulder with pitying looks. We know what they are thinking - of course their children never did that! Or did they? What are we going to do?
We could meet like with like and drag junior from the shop screaming and kicking, accompanied by ‘wait until you get home and see what I am going to do to you.’

Or, we simply pretend it isn’t happening and continue with shopping, ignoring the disapproving looks and comments of distracted shoppers.

Perhaps the most constructive course of action would be to coolly remove screaming junior from the scene of the crime – even if it means leaving the laden shopping trolley in the middle of the aisle. Once outside, in a quiet but authoritative voice, and holding junior’s gaze, let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and shopping will continue when he has calmed down. He might not calm down so the shopping trip might well have to be aborted.

If he doesn’t calm down at this point, how you deal with it will vary from situation to situation. For example, if mum is on her own she may well have to make her way home with a screaming child in the car or pram – but if Dad is present he may have his own way of dealing with him in private!

What happens if junior kicks off at home? There are a few principles to bear in mind:

1. Minimise the situation

For example, if the child is creating a scene in the midst of family meal time and refuses to calm down remove him from the situation and put him somewhere in the house where his noise and fuss has limited effect. Make sure it is escape proof and safe. If possible try and avoid his bedroom or cot as those places should be associated with peace. If you cannot remove the child you might have to remove the family – an audience is not required for such humiliating behaviour.

2. Drawing the line

How long do you let him yell for? Do you use physical punishment to bring proceedings to a halt? Is there a case for sometimes going in and holding the child (if he will let you) until he is still? Pick a baby up, hold his gaze and speak quietly; hold a toddler firmly on your lap facing you ensuring that he looks straight at you. Teach a young child to stand still, look at you and listen so that the truth can register. Each situation is different and a wise parent will use a variety of means. The key here is that the child must gain nothing from his bad behaviour.
3. Learning from experience
If he is of an age, when he has calmed down help him to understand that such behaviour hurts and upsets other people. He will need to apologise to those he has affected – so that they in turn can show him forgiveness and acceptance. Teach him that there are better ways to express himself. Give an understanding of what has happened and why you have done what you have done to bring peace into the situation. Eventually the penny will drop.

4. Command respect

There are very few situations as frustrating to a parent as a screaming child who apparently has lost his hearing! It is easy to become engulfed with a sense of failure or guilt. Such emotions can produce a reciprocal response that matches the child’s in feeling and fury. Don’t! Stay calm even if you feel anything but calm. Don’t lower yourself to the child’s level. Your actions need to command respect - not lose it. The key is in your tone of voice – keep it quiet but authoritative. Hold the child’s gaze and make it clear that, ‘when you have stopped making that horrible noise I will talk to you.’

5. Wise sanctions

It is understandably easy when faced with an unyielding child to think of the worst possible sanctions as a means of control. Stay calm and only think of sanctions when you know you are rational. Don’t threaten with anything you won’t want to follow up on when apologies have been made and there is genuine remorse. Be merciful – the shame of bad behaviour is often punishment in itself.

Finally, don’t give up and never give in. It will feel as if life has caved in on you but if you stick to what you are doing without compromise you will win through. It is worth battling now to avoid heartache later.

Mum is the thermometer of the family. With her sensitivity she registers when someone is off-colour, when an attitude begins to change, or when a family member is under pressure. She knows when the heat is beginning to rise and when she needs to act to defuse the situation.

She needs to know herself well enough to recognise her own frustrations – so she can remain objective at all times. She doesn’t want to reach boiling point, let off steam and hurt those she loves.