Terminal Illness

As a nurse working in a busy A&E department I had often been faced with death. Sudden death, to me, seemed so terrible; the unexpectedness of it and the wrenching away of a loved one from their family without proper goodbyes being said and no time to prepare for it was to me the worst kind of death. That was until my own mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and now I think there is no comparison to be made.

Mum died of bowel cancer with liver metastases in November 1999. She had been ill for about two years. A diagnostic investigation at the hospital confirmed the first diagnosis of bowel cancer. Then followed two operations and weeks of chemotherapy. A further scan in the summer of 1999 showed that the cancer was aggressive and had spread to the liver. The chemotherapy had failed. Throughout her illness mum seemed to gather an ‘inner strength’ and she never allowed herself to feel any self pity. Even when she was terminally ill she would come away from the hospital commenting on how many people were worse off than she was! The only time she allowed any tears was when my father took her to the sea-side one day. She saw an elderly couple playing on the beach with their granddaughter and the realisation that; ‘I will never be able to do that’ dawned heavily on mum. Mum now has seven grandchildren and another one due early next year. I know she would have loved all her grandchildren dearly and would have spent many hours ‘playing’ with them all.

It is often worse for the family or ‘loved one’ of the ill person looking on during the illness watching that person ‘fade away’ and knowing that there is absolutely nothing which can be done about it. I watched my mum, who had always battled with her weight; fade away until she resembled someone who had just come out of a concentration camp. She had a huge pot-bellied stomach due to a tumour the size of a ‘rugby ball’ on her liver, yet the rest of her body was sunken and you could probably have counted most of her bones they were so visible. Feelings of helplessness, frustration even, wanting to be able to make it better, but knowing we could do absolutely nothing, wracked deep inside those of us who loved mum dearly. The pain of knowing what mum ‘used’ to be like, what she used to do but what she could no longer accomplish struck like a knife deep into our hearts and tears were never far away. Yet mum remained positive, always hopeful, if perhaps a little unrealistic.

The pain of losing someone so close never goes away. After mum’s death I can remember a well-meaning person telling me that, ‘Time will Heal’ it didn’t seem very comforting just then. What time does though is enable us to ‘cope’. Over a period of time we learn to ‘cope’ without that person being there. Over time I was able to lay the table without mum’s place and not descend into tears every time. I was able to look at photos and smile, even laugh, at the memories rather than feel so bitterly sad. Nothing will ever fill the void that mum’s passing left in our lives but I know she wouldn’t want us to dwell in sorrow and sadness - as much as mum loved life, so she would want us to.

As we reach another Christmas the sadness that a loved one won’t be there to enjoy it with us is heightened. But there is a joy, the joy of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, who can and does stand by us, through all our trials, sorrows and tribulations in this world - who has endured and overcome so that we too might overcome and not be lost. May the joy, peace and hope of Christmas be with all of you who have lost a loved one this Christmas-Time.

Thank you to one of our church members for these thoughts on:

Sudden Death

The sudden and unexpected death of my father-in-law earlier this year left our family reeling in shock and disbelief. All I could feel was an overwhelming and unbearable sadness. My nine year-old son had a particularly close relationship with his granddad and just this year had planted his own vegetable garden under granddad’s guidance and help. I felt robbed and cheated as I had hoped that granddad would at least be around to see his grandson grow into man-hood and I couldn’t help asking ‘Why Lord, why now, why so soon?’ The sadness seemed like a heavy weight on my back, especially when I looked at my mother-in-law, who feels her very reason for living (at least for the time-being) has been taken away from her, when I look at my son and think what could have been and when I see the pain and tiredness in my husband’s face as he has worked long hours this year to bring in the harvest. Granddad was still a very active member of the work-force and his experience and expertise has been greatly missed.

Many well-meaning people have offered their sympathies and reminded me that ‘time is a great healer’ and although I know that time will dull the pain it doesn’t seem to offer much comfort right now. The other day I was speaking to a gentleman of granddad’s age who gave me a different perspective. He told me that at least granddad wouldn’t have to endure the ailments and perhaps incapacities of ‘old age.’ Knowing the intensely private and very independent man granddad was I found a comfort in this and now feel that although as painful as granddad’s passing was for his family, for him it really was the best way he could have gone.

Looking back now over the summer, I realize that despite the sadness and sorrow of granddad’s passing, we have learned such a lot as a family. We have pulled together and worked as a team with each member of the family learning new tasks and taking on new areas of responsibility. I won’t say there haven’t been the occasional moans and groans, that’s the reality of family life, but at the end of the day everyone did their part. If there is one thing I have learned from granddad’s passing it is this; to make time even for the small inconveniences of life. We never know what tomorrow will bring.

More thoughts on the subject:

‘Remember Jesus Christ, raised from the dead..’ 2 Timothy 2:8

‘I cry aloud to the Lord;
I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
I pour out my complaint before him;
Before him I tell my trouble.’ Psalm 142, v.1-2

‘I lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth.’ Psalm 121, v1-2

LOOKING UP!

I had been feeling rather overwhelmed just recently almost to the point of feeling quite down. I had not managed to get outside into the garden much. The office work had won precedence over the garden and the nights, now pulling in fast, didn’t allow much time for gardening after tea. The weeds, taking full advantage of this, were having a heyday! Not being a person who likes to ‘let things go’ the frustration of not having the garden looking as tidy as I like it to look was beginning to take its toll.

Then a lady from church shared with me that Paul had encouraged Timothy to ‘look up’ rather than down and, as I thought about her words, I reflected with a little chuckle that you don’t see any weeds when you look up! It may not be garden weeds which overwhelm me next time but I hope I can recall Paul’s words of encouragement to Timothy and remember to ‘look up.’

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Our thanks to another reader for this helpful contribution:

Losing a Sister

Reading the article on ‘sudden death’ brought home memories of my sister who passed away just over a year ago. Her death was not sudden but followed a painful two years of illness. I too had thought ‘why now?’ She had three very young grandchildren and was hoping to retire in a few years time. She had not had an easy life and it was probably only in the latter years of her life that she had found happiness. I guess this side of heaven there are no answers.

One thing that really struck me though during her illness was how I longed for her to be out of pain. I did not want to lose her but neither did I want to watch her suffer knowing full well she was not going to recover. It hurt to watch her trying to cling onto life and seeing the distress and pain of those standing by.

There were times when I pleaded with the Lord to take her. I would not have picked the death she suffered for her but I also knew that it was all in the Lord’s hands. There were times when decisions that were made went totally against what I and others in the family thought were right for her. But not being ‘next of kin’ left us with few options other than the distress of watching on. Added into this was that I never knew if she had made her peace with the Lord. Yes, she let me pray for her but I never knew if she was just humouring me or was just hoping my faith may give her a lifeline. It was something I really struggled with in the early days but did eventually come to the point where I was able to just leave it with the Lord. I will know one day but not now so I just have to trust.

She had a period of remission in the middle of her illness when she was able to fulfil many of the things she had so wanted to do. We all have lovely memories of that time and the joy of doing things we had thought at one time we were not ever going to do with her again.

One of the things I learnt from this very painful time was to appreciate all the little things in life. It is easy to be grateful for the big things but do we really notice and are thankful for the small mercies in each day. It is not until we see others losing the ability to do even a simple task like drink a cup of coffee that we realise just how fortunate we are.

I don’t know why she suffered so much or was taken so early but one thing I do know for sure that the Lord had it all in hand. He does know the big picture and He knows what is best for us all - we may not see it now but that is one thing I believe and know to be true.