Comments from four mums who attend the 'Bringing up Children' course. Click the link below:

comments from four mums on the course.pdf

Three more responses to this week's session:

The Wrong Glasses

What do you do when a day starts so well and then ends up with tears, frustration and bad feeling? I suppose we can dismiss it as family life or just one of those things but it is possible to end up with a real sense of loss, disappointment and sadness. Of course there is a reason for everything ending so horribly wrong isn’t there? A process of lengthy analysis follows as you try to find out the cause of the disaster, and as it is easier to point a finger at yourself rather than anyone else - after all you are 'mum' so who else could there be to blame - you convince myself that you ruined the day.

I expect most of us have worn 3D spectacles for a film viewing. You quickly become part of the film as the characters seem to reach out and involve you in their antics! When we think the whole day has gone horribly wrong – maybe we are wearing the wrong spectacles! Everything has been ‘in our face’ and left us feeling overwhelmed. The effect seems to live on for some while afterwards too. Change the 3D spectacles to ordinary ones and, although you can empathise with the characters and story line, you are not totally consumed by it.

It is so much easier then to recognise that, perhaps only thirty minutes of the entire day went wrong and the rest of the day was really good. Failure, frustration, blame and guilt don't seem quite so relevant!

Responsibility

This week in the ‘bringing up children’ course we have been learning about giving children the responsibility for chores around the home. It is so easy to do everything ourselves as parents, far quicker and avoids the grumbles and quarrels, less time consuming and doesn’t involve any messiness. It is very easy to fall into the trap of doing things for our children without even realising it. My son was eight years old before it dawned on me that I was still helping him to get dressed in the mornings. Monday to Friday mornings that is, as at the weekend he was up and dressed before the rest of the family!

Giving children responsibility of having certain jobs and chores teaches a child to care about their home and share in looking after it with others in the family. It teaches respect for theirs and other people’s belongings and ultimately respect for themselves and others. It can also teach them how to use their own initiative!

My son planted a vegetable garden this year with his granddads help. Grandad has been keeping a very close eye on things but is away on holiday this week. He left my son with strict instructions to water the strawberries and the beans which had just been planted, especially as we are having a very dry spell at the moment. My son has diligently watered the garden every evening. However he was beginning to get a little tired with having to haul heavy watering cans from the water butt to the garden, especially since the level has gone down so much he is having difficulty in reaching the water. This evening I found a hose-pipe connected to the tap in our out-house and a very triumphant little boy asked me if I would like him to water my flower pots and tubs too! I only hope we don’t have a hose-pipe ban.

Responsibility is a discipline well worth learning.

“The child who has everything done for him, everything given to him and nothing required of him is a deprived child….. The parent who tries to please the child by giving in to him and expecting nothing from him ends up in pleasing no one, least of all the child. For in the end, when trouble results, the child will blame the parent for his gutlessness.” (Larry Christenson)

Older children

I am a mum of older children, so as I sat in the latest meeting of the church’s Bringing Up Children course listening to advice about setting healthy boundaries for little ones, my mind went back to my own children’s younger years and it seemed like only yesterday. My teenage son, now taller than me, will follow his older sister and leave for university in the autumn, and it seems like only yesterday that he was riding his little car round and round the kitchen table. When my three children were toddlers the years of parenting seemed to stretch far ahead of me. There was enough to think about at each stage of their development to fill my hours, my thoughts and my prayers without looking too far into the future. I don’t know why, but somehow the growing up process seems to have accelerated in their teenage years and the time really does seem to have passed by so quickly. I am very aware, however,that my job of being their Mum is far from over. The same need for understanding, guidance, encouragement and parental approval is still there as, one by one, I watch my children pass through the gateway into adulthood. I am also aware that my husband and I still need advice, support and encouragement too. The shift from being the primary influence in our children’s lives to releasing them to adulthood isn’t always easy as we try to decide how to handle the different decisions and challenges that arise. I am thankful that we are in a church where we can share our concerns for our children as they learn to understand themselves, go through relationship struggles, sit important exams, decide on a career, develop political views, deal with the social pressure to ‘fit in’, or learn how to balance priorities or deal with conflict at work or school. I am sure this process is helped by preparing them for independence right from the start. The time for parental involvement should be at the very beginning. My advice to younger parents would be don’t waste the opportunities to develop a strong relationship with your children, seek to really understand who they are, establishing love and respect, strengthened by open, honest communication – and take all the help, advice, support and encouragement that is on offer!