4 comments (Add your own)

1. S wrote:

Last night there was a news item in the main bulletin entitled 'Sham Marriages' for a moment I thought an issue that is so fundamental to the emotional and spiritual health of every person in the country was about to be addressed and I waited with great anticipation. What disappointment when we got was a report on how Asian men are paying thousands of pounds to have marraiges to eastern european women arranged by criminal gangs to enable them to qualify for a passport visa which allows them to live legally in the UK after the marriages are annulled. This in itself is a very sad affair for the individuals involved and reflects clearly how little value is put on the act of marriage as a lifetime commitment between two people. As you state in your opening piece so many lifetime commitments to marriage have ended literally or in spirit to become lifetimes of pain not just for the two people 'committed' to each other but to all those, that commitment embraces, as life is lived out. There are many reasons I wish that I had understood myself at the outset of my commitment to my wife over thirty years ago and I know that she would say the same, but in Jesus Christ where no place can be found for us to become ensnared by regret, we have been able over the years to establish that commitment not just to each other but to our children our grandchildren, wider family and friends and the world in which we live. 'Sham marriage' is an honest description of the experiences of many people even though it sounds too awful to contemplate. The dictionary defines it thus: 'something that is not what it purports to be; a spurious imitation; fraud or hoax'. Truth and love cannot live with this description and the knowledge of this in our hearts forces a response when we see trutfully the state of our relationship. One response is to face things for what they are and walk away and I am sure that sometimes this is the best solution. The response we found, was to pursue an understanding of ourselves and each other before the sickening feelings that surely accompany the knowledge that our lives are a sham can really take root. It is a pursuit that will only end with life itself, it is life affirming and offers to everyone embraced by our original commitment to each other, an open door to restorative, unburdened life brim full of opportunity to live.

January 8, 2010 @ 12:12 PM

2. John wrote:

Some people find it difficult to understand why they run into relational problems. They look back and think that their childhoods were happy - they were loved by their parents.

It is possible to be deeply loved by your parents - and for that love to not connect with your introvert. If they do not live in their introverts - or if you, for whatever reason, didn't allow that connection to take place - then unhelpful emotional patterns can follow you throughout life - unless you talk them out and change them.

When you clash in your present relationships, use that clash as an opportunity to look at past patterns. See the patterns for what they are - break them up and replace them with attitudes that build relationships. Everyone will benefit!

January 9, 2010 @ 7:20 PM

3. CE wrote:

They say you never really know anyone until you live with them and I am sure that would be true for my husband and me. Looking back neither of us had a clue who the other person really was when we married. More importantly - neither did we know who we were!

I am sure both of us in those early years of marriage had a fair few surprises – some of them not so pleasant! You write, ‘they genuinely do not understand’ and in our experience this has been the case. There have been times when I have been so sure I am right when in fact I have been so wrong and likewise the same for my husband.

It is hard when in the middle of a ‘rumpus’ to be objective and if we do not understand ourselves then only too quickly the whole thing can deteriorate until there seems no way back. For ourselves we have had to stop and listen and also discover just who we really are as individuals. I think it is only as we have gained that understanding that things have been different.

I wonder when we don’t know ourselves whether we are truly able to understand anyone else, which means in effect that relationships can never be taken to the proper depth. It is good to know that church is the place where marriages and relationships are supported.

January 11, 2010 @ 5:12 PM

4. C. wrote:

I was finishing off my lunchtime soup to-day, looking out of the window and hoping that what was coming down again wasn’t more snow, but rain and aware that like a few previous snowbound afternoons, the one about to happen was quite devoid of a plan and purpose. A bit more pondering got me wondering ‘well what was my purpose in life?’ The answer wasn’t forthcoming, in fact on closer introspection, I couldn’t convince myself that I had a purpose - I was not classified as a wife, mother even a daughter any more, being retired I could not claim a role in society, there was nothing to suggest my name would go down in history - truly a ‘woman of no importance !’. So not wanting to leave such an important (to me) issue to fester, I settled down to read some of the homilies, past philosophers and saints had written on the subject. Phrases like ’God has created me for some definite service, he has committed some work to me, that he has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may never know it in this world, but I will be told it in the next’ cropped up. All comforting in one sense, but difficult not to know what you are here for. And how do you move forward with this enigmatic understanding ? Thinking into it, it’s an arrangement between yourself and God isn’t it ? What I have to do is find out who I am and let God tell me what to do with that who I am. Simple, exhilarating, profound, really challenging, I can go with that.

January 15, 2010 @ 12:47 PM

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