I would like to share some wonderful advice that was given to me when my first child was born. My lovely mum-in-law is an old school midwife, and she has guided me through three breastfed babies, sleeping problems and general ‘how to cope’ questions. There are so many books and well meaning advice from friends and family that it’s sometimes hard to know what to do. I was about ready to give up feeding my first child as my poor body couldn’t sustain feeding on demand. I was tired, miserable and I couldn’t do anything without stopping every five minutes to feed my little girl. How did anyone achieve anything I wondered and I felt like such a failure. I was told it would get better, but it didn’t. Night time was the worst and with two hourly feeding, I was a wreck. As all mums know you can cope with almost anything if you’ve had your beauty sleep. Also, I never knew whether the baby was hungry, tired, needing changing or just having a good healthy cry. My mama Merle suggested feeding every four hours and although I was dubious I was ready to try anything. I started stretching my baby’s feed from two hours to two and half hours, and then to three until eventually my baby was feeding every three and half to four hours. It was wonderful! Once she was established I could plan my day, go out and know exactly when I needed to feed. It wasn’t easy to begin with as my daughter had got used to feeding whenever she wanted and it made me wish I had done it from the beginning.

I now have three children under three and my hands are full! I wish I had 2 pairs of hands and at least two me’s but what I have got is a great routine where my two older children are not affected by a baby constantly at the breast and are secure because mummy is still there for them.

Just recently I was sharing my experiences with another mum who couldn’t quite believe my 9 week old daughter was consistently sleeping through the night. ‘But surely she’s not breastfed’ she said, and was amazed when I told her that all three were, and all three had slept through the night. ‘What’s your secret?’ she asked. Now that’s a good question because at the very beginning I was told that my daughter would naturally start to go through the night when she was ready. This didn’t happen, and with all three they’ve been encouraged to this. It was tough but probably the best thing I’ve done, as I get my sleep and so do my babies. We’re all ready for our day when we get up without being grumpy due to lack of sleep. When baby is getting good feeds throughout the day stretching the last feed which was at 10pm to 11/11.30pm should get them to 4am if not later. I still got up and fed her until I was advised to leave her and try to get as close to 6am as possible. I found this really difficult as we live in a small bungalow and I didn’t want her to wake the other two children. I really doubted but sure enough I put her in the lounge where I could still hear her and amazingly the other two didn’t stir, they obviously got used to her and weren’t bothered. She soon got the message and has learnt that 4am is not feed time. With my first daughter it was far more difficult because she was much older (3mnths) and hadn’t been encouraged early on. We weathered 4-5 nights of loud crying and very little sleep but it was worth it. I would really stress to all mums and dads, don’t give in. Keep going even though it’s really tough hearing your baby cry, mums especially as we find it hard to leave our precious ones but you will reap the benefits of a proper night’s sleep.

Every child is different and unique in their own way but if mum is happy, then baby will be too.

Encouragement

As we came to the end of our time of sharing with the mums of the church I stood up and thanked one of the other mums, ‘I don’t feel such a bad mum now’ I said. An older mum replied ‘you are the only one here who thinks you are’.

How true this is I thought. I had just described my previous evening bath and bedtime with my wonderful three children. My husband had an incredibly busy week and on this occasion had to stay at work till 9pm. My eldest is 3, then 2 and the youngest is 5 months, so coordinating tea, bath, story time and bed are quite challenging! At the end of the day I was pretty exhausted, and so were the children. By 7pm all three were tucked up and clean and happy but as I tiredly looked around the house I felt like a failure. My bathroom was flooded from too much fun and noise at bath time and the rest of the house looked like we had been burgled. If my husband had walked in at that moment he would have been horrified. Thankfully by the time he did come home our house was back to normal and I was able to tell him what a lovely bedtime our children had.

How many mums I wonder feel like they have spent their day repeating the same thing over and over as they try to teach their children to share and to be kind to others? How difficult it is, when squabbles start and you haven’t seen how it started. I was asked tonight ‘what is the most wearing thing with my young family?’ After sharing the above I was so encouraged, ‘don’t give up’ my lovely older ladies said, ‘you are preparing them for the future.'

It may not feel like you are getting anywhere but our little ones learn at home how to respect other people’s things and how their behaviour affects others. This is so valuable, they then take those positive attitudes to school and then eventually into the work place. Remind yourself as you’re repeating for the hundredth time they will remember what you have taught them but maybe not today!

A question

Mum and Teacher

When my children came home from primary school with their progress reports towards the end of term, I would always begin reading the ‘Personal and Social Development’ section at the end. Knowing whether the teacher understood my children and how well they coped socially, mattered more than how well they were progressing in individual subjects. Having been a primary school teacher myself I was fairly clued up on what would be expected of my children academically, and knew what skills and levels were desirable at different stages in each subject, so it was strange to acknowledge now as a mum that these things didn’t matter to me nearly so much as I thought they would.

When I was teaching, each class had a different range of emotional, physical and educational needs. It was sometimes a challenge to organize lessons that catered for a wide range of abilities, taking into account an equally broad range of little personalities. Each class was different. Some contained a large group of studious little girls, others had a higher percentage of boisterous boys which dramatically changed dynamics in the classroom. Some children were more academic than others but all were capable of learning. There were those who settled quickly, those who were constantly interrupting with a stream of questions, those who were shy and needed more encouragement to participate, some who struggled, and a few who would prefer not to be at school at all.

Before I stopped teaching to have my family, I didn’t always understand what it was like for the mums who left their little ones in my care. I can remember one parents evening sitting armed with reading test scores and all the information about each pupil’s performance, being surprised by one mum whose only question for me was whether her little boy managed to dress and undress himself for P.E. Instead of discussing her son’s academic progress, we had a conversation about elasticated waists and Velcro fastenings! When my own children went to school I saw things from the other side of the fence. Of course I wanted them to do well, but my main concern was that they would be settled and happy. I was keen to know how well they interacted with others and whether they had the confidence to speak up if they didn’t understand. I wanted them to make friends. It was important that they handled themselves well and were not unkind, and that they told me or the teacher if something was bothering them.

Each of my children went to school with their own little concerns. Where would they hang their coat? What happens at lunchtime? Would the other children let them join in their games at playtime? My daughter looked forward to school and going out to buy her uniform and a new lunchbox was an outing anticipated with great excitement. She woke early on the morning of her first day, not because she was worried, but because she was excited about travelling home on the school bus. My son’s biggest concern was what if he didn’t like his lunch; would he have to eat something he didn’t like? My third child, having watched his older siblings not just survive school but enjoy it, was familiar with the routine having been there many times before with his siblings and for preschool visits, so he was ready when his turn finally came.

Years from now, our children probably will not remember much detail about what their teachers taught them. They will have forgotten the lessons that their teachers tried especially hard to make interesting and exciting, but they will probably remember the teachers who cared. Fortunately the Greatest Teacher of all knows and loves me and my children, not for what we can achieve or how well we can perform, but just because we are precious to Him.

From a child’s perspective

Our horizons are dependent on the height of our viewpoint. We all see around us from the natural vantage point of how tall we are. If we climb the stairs and look out of a bedroom window that horizon is extended because we can look further along the road, down onto the square or back garden and perhaps above the tree tops to the surrounding countryside. Imagine the small world that a tiny child sees from his diminutive position.

I did the following exercise on a course which I attended when my children were very little and found it so helpful that I have shared it as a routine requirement for all our Sunday school teachers -and to encourage safety awareness in young mothers.

Crouch down so that your eyes are on a level of a toddler or young child and make yourself aware of what they readily see. Almost everything they see is a little above or under the height of our knees. What a different world they live in to ours! As we take in this limited horizon so we become aware of its attractions and dangers - after all, things to clamber on is their excitement - and our adrenal rush to get to them before they fall off and hurt themselves! Who wouldn’t want to find new things to play with from the cupboards in the kitchen, and the fridge where the light comes on when you open the door?

The ‘just in case’ solution of putting the household cleaning sprays and fluids and easily breakable china and glass together, with all sharp implements out of reach, is sensible. We can also buy special cupboard locks, door adjustors to prevent a door slamming on a tiny hand, stair gates to stop a headlong flight down the stairs, fire, cooker and socket guards - and so the list goes on to make ours the safest child-friendly home.

However, ‘where there is a will there is a way’ and little children are dab hands at contriving ways to undermine any careful precautions and limits that we have put into place. They are masterminds at using intuition, ingenuity and furniture moving skills to help them reach the kitchen and bathroom sink, the hob, cupboard and door knobs and handles. Trailing tablecloths, electric leads and the clothes airer are tempting to hang or pull on. Why not find out what people enjoy to drink from a glass, tea cup, jug or tea pot? I can stir the contents of the saucepan and switch the oven on to cook my cake just like mummy does.

I am sure we are familiar with ‘Mummy look at me’ - only to find a questionably styled hair cut being given to another sibling or makeup clownishly spread across a little girl’s face. What about dolly bathing in the sink, taps full on? If we could have a dozen pairs of hands, and eyes at the back of our heads, life would be so much easier, or would it?

A walk to the shops might appear harmless enough to us but from their ‘close to the ground’ position little children see things so differently. We may comment on the make of the cars or displays in the shop windows whereas they see the wheels of noisy machines whose exhausts belch smelly fumes into their faces. A friendly dog peers inquisitively into the push chair and a scared toddler goes to pieces - much to the parent’s embarrassment. We may think of our sunglasses as a sensible enhancement against the glare of the sun. Do we appear as a scary apparition? Just a thought!

Children are explorers. They enjoy extending their boundaries and some are wonderful risk-takers. Some accidents can be avoided by taking sensible precautions. The challenge is to create a safe environment for them to grow up in without being spoilsports. It is tragic to see a parent deeply affected by regret and guilt as they hold themselves responsible for the accident that could have been avoided. ‘If only we had realised’ is a heart-rendering cry for anyone to hear and there is little solace in words of comfort for what cannot be undone.

I love to see a little child perched high on his daddy’s shoulders enjoying his privileged position of ‘king of the castle’. As daddy carries him aloft he gets the best view of all in the easiest and safest way. That picture of the child held safely aloft reminds us that we can show our children the world as we prepare the way, teach them what can harm and give them a vision of what can be theirs. They need us to be there for them.

I think most expectant mums have days where they wonder how on earth they will manage another little one, especially when they are so dependant for everything. One day, I shared my concerns (panic really) with one of our lovely older ladies in the church. ‘How will I manage three children under 3’ I said, ‘how will I cope?’ Her reply was really simple, ‘babies just eat, sleep and need nappy changing’. I was advised not to let baby rule the home, I fed four hourly and for half an hour each time. This hardly made any impact on my other two little ones and they felt secure and happy that mummy was still there for them. To be honest they hardly noticed the new arrival, once the initial novelty had worn off she fitted into our routine rather than us trying to fit in around her. I reassured the two older ones when she cried that it was ok, she was fine and that’s what babies do. It was important they understood she wasn’t hurt as they could have felt quite anxious. I didn’t pick her up straight away, especially if I was in the middle of something with the children. It was important when other people came to visit that they were aware of the older children and gave them attention so that the focus wasn’t centred round the new baby.

Before she arrived, we prepared the children in my latter stages of pregnancy. As my tummy grew I talked about the growing baby inside to my other two little ones. I explained that they were in my tummy also. I told my little girl that she was our first and we were so excited that we could hardly wait to see her. I told my little boy that when he was in my tummy, it felt like he was playing football and he was just like his daddy, always moving about. I let them feel the baby when she was moving around - one child really liked this, and the other didn’t. I got them involved in helping me prepare things, we got the crib ready together and they helped put clothes in her chest of drawers. I pointed out baby-grows that they had worn and told them how small they once were. We referred to her as our baby.

Thankfully I am part of a wonderful church where I have had support and help from day one. I have accepted offers to take baby for a walk so that I can have some quality time with my older two, or an aunty to enjoy a trip to the park so that I can make a meal or do some much needed housework! If you are fortunate enough to have family or church members who can help then make the most of it and don’t feel like you have to be super mum who should be able to do it all.