Recognising, and accepting, the different stages in our children's lives is important if we are going to build the friendship with them that makes life so good. The following was sent in by a mum:

Life is full of transitions, some more difficult than others. A friend and I recently shared a cup of coffee reminiscing about what it used to be like when our children broke up for the summer holidays. Now that our children are grown up, we miss the promise of untimetabled days, the picnics and bike rides, the long days at the beach making the most of the sun and sea, returning with sleepy, sandy, contented children. Now our children all drive themselves to their summer jobs, have their own bank accounts, and plan their own social lives. Where once thepromise of a milkshake, or the purchase of a jar of chocolate spread for a teatime treat brought a smile to their faces, now they announce that they won't be home for dinner and that we shouldn't bother to wait up for them. How times change! Looking back those long summer days seem timeless somehow.

I am only now getting used to the fact that my children can function well without me, and yet that was the goal all along! After all those years of nurturing, this stage of being a parent is all about achieving the balance of letting our offspring know they have our support but at the same time allowing them to be independent - often easier said than done. My husband and I are facing the fact that we have adult children who must make their own decisions and mistakes. If we don't let them go, and encourage their independence, we are not fulfilling our rightful role.

A mum shares her thoughts on seeing her son go off to university:

Children leaving home

I recently read a newspaper article describing a mother’s feelings when her daughter left for university and as my son has recently left home I was interested in what the journalist had to say.

‘The first signs of my daughter's imminent departure appeared soon after she received confirmation of her university place. The carpet in her bedroom, unseen since the start of AS-levels, began to reappear as piles of magazines were recycled and rubbish binned. Clothes that no longer fit were now not just being dumped on the floor but bagged and taken to the charity shop. For the first time in 18 years our house was at risk of taking on a tidy appearance, and I wasn't sure that I liked it.’

When my own daughter left for university two years ago a similar thing happened. Preparations started early. She suddenly became interested in plates and biscuit tins, and we had conversations about clothes airers and the need to read labels on clothes before stuffing them in the washing machine.

Recently when my son’s turn came to leave home, there was a distinct lack of interest in shopping for what he would need. Two days before he left there were still no signs of any packing being done. The whole operation took just hours, and was completed with a look in my direction that spoke volumes. What was mother getting all worked up about?

However, no matter how efficient you are at the practical preparations, emotionally it is not always easy when your children fly the nest. On each occasion I have had moments of feeling rather redundant. You are proud of the achievements of your son or daughter and share their sense of excitement at the new life ahead of them but at the same time, deep down, you also feel a sadness that they are off.
The newspaper article described another mother’s experience:

'When my daughter left home it felt as though one of my arms had been severed. Although she may not have been around all the time, you get this very empty feeling. I was devastated when she went. The house was so empty. I know you have to let go, but when you are used to doing so much for them for so many years you are confronted with a new learning curve.

We saw her to her room, dropped off her things, and as there were other people around we left her to unpack. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life, but we could sense she did not want us to hang around. The goodbye hug was heart-wrenching. I was bewildered and lost and, as soon as I got into the car, I burst into unsophisticated tears. There was not a trace of the mature woman who runs her own business.

The next weeks were terrible. I tried very hard to be brave and to be almost cavalier about the fact that my elder daughter had gone to university. I was surely being a complete and utter wimp. What had happened to that capable, confident woman who urged her children to be independent and outgoing? I hid behind platitudes and enthusiasm for her new life as I talked to family and friends, unable to admit that the whole process had left me stunned. It had taken me completely by surprise and, in typical female fashion, I decided this was my fault. I was not dealing with it correctly.’

Like this mother I am not much good at goodbyes, and although I am very supportive of my children’s career choices and the new path ahead of them, there have been times when I too have shed a few tears. The most helpful thing at this new stage in our family has been being able to share what I’m feeling. There are other ladies in our church who have been very reassuring about both the negative bits and the positive bits of parenting older children and it is reassuring to know that what I’m feeling is okay. I may not know where my son is at three in the morning or whether my daughter is eating enough greens. There are still days when I set the table with too many places, and even though my son has been gone for two weeks, I am still cooking too many potatoes. But although they are not here and life at home has changed, one thing is still the same; I start each day praying for both of them. I am so grateful that the Lord promises to watch over them and keep them, and I am grateful to be in a church where other mums willingly share their experiences, their support and their encouragement.

My eldest daughter loved books when she was little. They were her toys. She so looked forward to going to school but her first day was such a disappointment that she complained bitterly that, ‘we have to play in the afternoons’! She determined to be the best in her class and at the end of her first year at the Middle school had university in her sights. You could rightly have the impression that she was a whizz kid but this was not so. All she ever achieved was done through setting high standards for herself and hard work. Her goals put her, and sometimes the family, under pressure as she burnt the midnight oil redoing essays to get them to a state of the highest excellence. Her frustration as she struggled with maths and science – two subjects that did not come so easily to her – gave weight to her logical reasoning of ‘You don’t understand I must finish……..’ or ‘I need to rewrite…..’ to excuse helping with the simplest chores as setting the table, helping with the dishes or going on an errand. Four brothers did not let her get away with it and neither did we. All family members were encouraged to pull their weight. No one was taken for granted. Helping each other was family policy so that there were lots of moans of, ’it’s not fair’, and grumpiness to contend with as these all too frequent situations were dealt with. Finding time to learn, basic domestic skills of cooking, sewing on a button, cleaning a bathroom, using a washing machine and iron was not on the curriculum either! Suffice to say we did it together and it was reluctantly agreed that it was a good idea if not for then definitely for the future.

Whereas some children don’t believe in study or do just enough to get by my lovely hard working daughter didn’t believe in recreation. Quite ungraciously, on many an occasion, she endured bike rides, picnics, going to the beach and visiting relatives. Most were enjoyed when she got there and some gradually became her favourite breaks. Today she enjoys walking, cycling, sailing, travel and together with her husband offers warm hospitality. She has time for people of any age or station in life. Looking back, all the ‘hassle times’ of her childhood and teenage years when she learned to appreciate that there were other people in the world, were worth it.

Her philosophy of working hard sent her looking for a Saturday job when she was old enough. She found a lot of satisfaction in being able to afford what pocket money could not buy. When the pressure of ‘A’ levels hotted up she found it quite difficult to relinquish the job ‘because I will let my boss down’. Common sense prevailed in the end. We supplemented her wages so that she did not lose out. Managing her own saving account and banking were wonderful milestones for her. It was a great growing up experience. There was a good-sized nest egg after she had done some voluntary and paid work in the year out that she took before going to university. Her brothers and younger sister did the same – paper rounds, working in a fish and chip shop, grocers, silver service waitressing, and being a car park attendant during school and university holidays helped build up their nest eggs. Cheque books were replaced with credit cards and the word processor with computers and printers. Mobile phones took the place of a BT free access to the home phone.

After trips with her Dad to weigh up her preferred universities, and much discussion, she set off for her chosen one. We left her there, waving us goodbye; the only tell-tale sign of what she was feeling were the silent tears streaming down her face. An hour earlier a confident, self- assured young lady had opened the door to her Halls’ kitchen, and with everyone chatting around the table she introduced herself with, ‘Hi. I’m – and I’m studying –‘.
We all looked forward to the end of term. It was not quite what we expected. An even stronger young lady returned and fully expected us to make allowances for her as she had brought so much study home with her and had had to cook for herself, do her own shopping and laundry while she was at uni. It took a little while for her to realise that the family had missed her. We had not changed at all and we preferred her to enjoy family life again albeit for a little while without the tensions which had built up over the term spilling out on us. Later on when it was the turn of her sport-loving brothers to return home it was 3 to 4 four showers each a day – there is a constant supply of hot water in the Halls – a resumumption of university life at home, where one goes to bed and gets up the same day and eats when hungry.

Their little sister was 5 years old when her sister and brothers started gradually leaving for university and a house full of fun became strangely quieter every couple of years until she became as an only child in her teens. She longed for them to come home but not for the take-over and her to be treated as a ‘nuisance’ to them. The foundations established during her siblings’ childhoods were diplomatically reinstated. What made for a happy family was secured as, with school left behind, we grew into a family of adults. My youngest daughter graduated this year, 13 years after her sister’s graduation.

At times I often felt like one of those unpopular nagging mothers. Among the many text messages, e-mails and letters there is a letter from my eldest daughter – there was no internet then – thanking me for showing her how to clean a toilet and kitchen. She woke up her first weekend to find the kitchen and toilets unfit to use after a night out on the tiles by some of the students. As there were no cleaners in over the weekends she became used to cleaning up their mess before she could do her own ablutions and cooking. To keep herself well she became a first class cook using a few basic utensils and living on a tight budget. The nice lakes she envisaged having a walk around became no go areas – drugs and sex were what they offered - not a breath of fresh air. She grew up with four brothers but not all the boys at university saw her friendliness as toward brothers.
I learned much about university life as she shared her experiences with her siblings and the young people of the church as they prepared to leave home to further their studies.

A healthy bank account at the beginning of term coupled with student overdraft facilities for a youngster unaccustomed to budgeting is a recipe for financial ruin. Money can buy cheap booze, drugs and the latest electronic equipment. Debts build up and students face the painful consequences of massive overdrafts. For many students it is their first time away from home. There are no set times to be in by, no one to comment on your dress or how many evenings of the week you go clubbing – a youngster has to become their own boss for the first time and some do not know how to handle it. A university can offer advice, good security and the best in helplines but it treats students as adults and the kindest thing we can do for our youngsters is to prepare them for the challenges they will have. It’s too late after they have got into the mess. They wish to prove their independence. We can help them to achieve this by letting them go out into the future with the knowledge that we are on 24-hour call and that home will always be there for them. University can be quite a shock to an unsuspecting young person. We can help to make it a worthwhile experience.

It is not all doom and gloom. For the majority of students university is the highlight of their lives because they achieve the degree they went to study for. I have heard students say how glad they will be when they have finished their studies and they can get back to normality (on the whole university life is unreal) find a job, get a decent place to live in (because they are fed up with student accommodation) and earn some money. While some see it as the stepping stone to their career, others are glad to leave and want to get away from it all and travel. I doubt if many say I want to go home and pick up where I left off.

Our daughter, because she kept her sights high, made lasting friendships and came out with a good degree although it was a steep learning curve which challenged her thinking, faith and moral standards. She is now studying for a doctorate for no other reason than that she loves to learn.