This very practical and helpful article was sent in by one of the mums in the group:

‘Just the Way I Am’

How well do we really ‘know’ (understand) our children? Over the years I have often heard parents say, “We treat all our children the same.” On the surface there appears nothing wrong with this statement. Yes, all children in the same family should abide by the same general household rules and be brought up to respect the same family values, in this sense what ‘goes for one goes for all.’ However a deeper understanding of each child as an individual will help to increase a parent’s knowledge of why one child seems set on challenging as many ‘rules’ as they can and pushing the boundaries to the limits or why another child is quiet and content and ‘no bother’ at all. (To gain a better insight into your own child’s individual personality I would encourage any parent to familiarise themselves with the HCC’s teaching on the ‘temperaments’ which can be found on this website.) A deeper knowledge of your child’s temperament will help a parent to understand why a child reacts in a certain way to a certain situation or why they behave the way they do. When my youngest daughter was born my son, then two years old, proceeded to put all his toys into his sister’s pram. On the surface this could appear ‘cute’ and a lovely thing for my son to do. However I remembered my mum telling me that my brother did exactly the same thing when my younger sister was born. Mum told me how she quietly picked up all my brothers toys out of the pram and gave them back to him saying, “These are your toys, the baby has enough toys of her own.” What my son and my brother were trying to ask in their own little way was, “you do still love me too don’t you?”

My youngest daughter is a very sensitive child. She likes to know what is happening in her day and the slightest change from the normal routine can upset her. It has taken her three years to pluck up the courage to have school dinners. Not because she doesn’t like them but because she is afraid ‘she won’t know what to do’ - i.e. when to go up and get her dinner, where to put her plate when she has finished, whether she will eat too slowly and all the other children will tease her because she’s slow. After a lot of encouragement and patience she tried her first school dinner last week. At the end of school when I picked her up I was met by a very happy little girl who told me, “I ate all my dinner up, it was really nice, can I have school dinner again next week?” Deciding whether or not to have a school dinner could seem rather trivial to an adult used to making rather more important decisions in the adult world. But I knew it was an important step for my daughter and a huge boost to her confidence. As adults we must be so careful that we don’t trivialise our children’s qualms. What may seem such a small issue to us can actually be a significant concern to a sensitive child and if not handled correctly could have distressing consequences.

Another area which can have a significant impact on a child is that of ‘comparison.’ Comparing a child to their siblings or any other child is never very helpful. I have often heard parents say, ‘I wish he/she was more like his/her sister/brother, cousin’ etc. Accepting our children as they are is crucial to their well-being. Yes we can mould and shape them along the way but we need to understand their basic make-up and build on that without making them feel ‘different’ or ‘inferior’ to anyone else. I remember my gran telling me that she was, ‘never much of a scholar’ and never really enjoyed school. Her older sister did and gran always referred to her sister as the ‘bright one.’ Gran said she could never sit still for long when she was very young and she remembered ‘enduring the long hour at church on Sunday morning with great trepidation.’ Her mother and sister would glare at her when she fidgeted and she would often make a rather ‘rude sounding noise’ when she slid down the pew much to her mother and sister’s exasperation! However my gran’s house is the place I most fondly remember when I was growing up as a child. My gran was always a ‘big’ lady but she had a ‘big’ heart to go with it and her home was always filled with fun and laughter and, more importantly, abounded in love. I always felt ‘safe’ at gran’s and always accepted, ‘just the way I was.’

I strongly believe that everyone on this earth has a God-given gift or talent. Therefore nobody need ever feel a failure nor compare themselves to any other person. God doesn’t make mistakes, he made you just the way you are for a reason. It is unfortunate that in our society we give more value to some gifts and talents over others. There is no such hierarchy in heaven, all gifts and talents are equally valuable. My son said to me the other day that he wished he was as good at maths as his sisters. My son doesn’t find school easy, and he has three articulate sisters, but I pointed out to him that his gift lies in his practical ability and application and the ounces of common sense he shows in different situations. Therefore he need never compare himself to his sisters or anyone else. God will use his talents just the same as he will use his sisters.

Another ‘quote’ I have often heard is one parent saying to another parent, ‘my children never did/behaved like, that!’ It may be true that they were blessed with quiet ‘introvert’ children who were content to sit and play quietly by themselves or children who didn’t push the boundaries too often and were genuinely ‘good.’ There are other parents whose children are loud and noisy and seem always to be pushing the boundaries to the limits. These are ‘extrovert’ children who just need to find a suitable ‘escape route’ for their boundless energy. If not provided with ‘suitable escape routes’ for their energy these children can often be labeled ‘naughty’ as they seek to off-load their energy in ‘unsuitable’ ways. Just as comparing children is never very helpful, neither is labeling them. I have known some adults who are still influenced by the ‘label’ they were given as a child. Parents, teachers, and any adult who has a significant influence in a child’s life can unwittingly label a child which can stay with them all their lives if not challenged. My gran always saw herself as the ‘naughty child’ because she didn’t like school and couldn’t sit still. A friend of mine was told by her high school teacher in no uncertain terms that she would never be academic enough to go to university. She has now completed a degree in health sciences. A Dutch friend of ours was told by his English teacher that he’d never be any good at English. Having lived in England for the best part of fifteen years, he now speaks better English than his teacher did! Labeling is dangerous. A child who is constantly labeled may try to live up to the label or rebel against it, especially if they decide they don’t like the label that other people have imposed on them. For example a child who is labeled ‘good’ may decide to rebel against this later on in life. On the other hand a ‘good’ child may feel under constant pressure to live up to the ‘good’ label. A ‘naughty’ child may decide that, ‘since everyone thinks they are naughty anyway,’ they may as well live up to the label and consequently find themselves in constant trouble.

How well a parent understands their child depends on how much value a parent attributes to this. Knowing, understanding, and accepting your child as an individual is paramount to the child’s well-being. It takes time, patience, considerable effort and sacrifice to build an understanding relationship, but if we value our children we will accept them as individuals, ‘just the way they are.’

The Real Me

“My mother wishes that I could be more organized and less messy – so that she would be thought to be a good house-keeper and our house an ‘ideal home’.

My father wishes that I would get good marks at school, so that he could talk about me to his friends at work, and be thought a successful father.

My grandparents wish that I was younger so that I could be babied, or older, with more achievements, so that they could be proud grandparents.

My teacher wishes that I would be quiet and not ask awkward questions, so that she could be a good teacher without much effort.

My coach wishes that I would be a good player so that his team could win.

I wish that they would encourage me to do well what I can do. I wish that they would stop blaming me for failing to do what I have no ability to do, and allow me to branch out, experiment and explore.

I wish that they could be there when I need them, and yet set me free to discover for myself who I am, why I am here and where I am going.

I wish that I was sure that they loved me, the real me, just as I am, here and now.”

From: ‘The Gift of a Child’, Marion Stroud 1982 Lion Publishing ISBN 07324 12315