How we came to feel the way we do about ourselves

What we feel about ourselves shapes our attitudes and behaviour and deeply affects the way we relate to each other.

So, how do we feel about ourselves today? We could take this question superficially – and say ‘fine, thank you’ or we could try and get in touch with how we really feel about ourselves. For many of us if we are honest, the answer would have to be, ‘not very good.’ I have talked with some people who have really despised themselves.

Where it started
I am sure we were intended to feel positively about ourselves from day one. A positive self-image is vital to emotional well-being.However, we knew that we needed no encouragement to make poor choices. That didn’t help us to feel good about ourselves!

All of us are capable of being negative about ourselves but some people are born with the temperament that leaves  them instinctively feeling that they are at the ‘bottom of the ladder.’ This is the Melancholic temperament.People with this temperament are often very talented and lovely people – but they in particular can struggle with the question, ‘How much am I worth?’

Shaping the clay
Numerous studies have shown that impressions gained in our very early years determine how we feel about ourselves. Most of our brain’s cells were formed before birth but most of the connections among cells are made during infancy and early childhood. A three year-old’s brain is twice as active as an adult’s brain. Yet, it is in those early years that a child is totally dependent on the responses of those around for his or her sense of self-worth. If a parent doesn’t make that deep connection with his or her child and convey a strong sense of value, then a negative self-esteem pattern is established.

The key stage
From birth onwards a process of separation from mother takes place, culminating in a point around puberty in which it becomes especially important that Dad is able to affirm his son into manhood. If there is no Dad it is possible for another significant male figure to fulfill this role – at least in measure. The worst case scenario is a Dad who is there – but not there emotionally for his boy. If a boy is not properly affirmed there can be a number of damaging results – and it is here that we can begin to find some answers to the question about ‘immature men.’

Can you begin to see the patterns? Watch this space as we begin to look at how that lack of affirmation can show itself in our adult relationships.